When life changes all of a sudden, do you: look back to things that were,
or look forward to the things that will be?

As a matter of self-preservation, I simply keep things at bay.  I don't usually look too far
beyond on either end.  Planning big is something I don't really think about seriously,
and the same thing goes with blast-from-the-past daydreams. Something like carpe diem. 

It's like leaving home undecided on where to go and when to come back: to reach beyond
horizons, see unfamiliar places, enjoy new things, learn habits that are out of my
idiosyncrasies.  For the free-spirited, it is a way of life, and I agree.

But sometimes, change becomes equally boring as routine.   Permanent change is routinary.
Worse, I am constantly moving but trapped in motion.

This is the moment when I stand still.  I realize, this self-preservation is more for convenience,
really--an escape from past nightmares and from fear for the unknown.  I look around but I'm all alone.
Stuck in this instant.  Nothing to seize.

Now I long to reach back or leap forward.
 

I'm not a fan of embedding media in my blog, but I am very much willing to do it for this one.

Sadly, embedding was disabled for this youtube video.  So, still, my blog is embed free :D

Anyway, Here's the link:

I really can't help but blog about it:

I wish that Enta's production, TARONG, will push through
the entire duration of its run AS IS.

... but, tough luck. 

----------
# Scenario: 
~2000 students, or around half of the Ateneo freshie and sophie students will be in such culture shock with
"Baclofen", one of the gay plays in this trilogy,

1K of them will go home to mommy and daddy all pale and traumatized. 

500 will tell the shocking tale about the play they were required to watch.

250 unfortunately, are stage moms.

125 of moms will plan to do something about it.

62 will call admu's trunkline and ask the operator who to talk to regarding uber-shocking-play-incidents.

31 will complain that no catholic university in its right mind would ever show such a play.

15 will actually say above complaint out loud.

7 won't be satisfied, and will tell their sentiments to their kachikas.

3 of kachikas are admin people.

1 will escalate the emerging issue.

# Result: play will be sanctioned/banned.
----------
(disclaimer, above scenario is from an uber-conservative estimate)

Is this how liberal education supposed to be?  Should it end whenever consumer demands?

How can liberal education be liberal if you can choose what not to learn?

Is cura personalis really caring for the person,
if we choose not to reveal the other side of the coin because it's all dark and gloomy?

Should holistic formation be all sweet, warm, cozy, with everything nice and a ribbon on top?


Haay.. These are the times I appreciate UP. 

Ikumpara mo naman:
#  Biglang pagpasok ng mga nagkikilos-protesta laban sa pagtaas ng tuition sa UP, 
sa harap ng stage habang may nagpapalabas noong OrSem nila, at nandoon din ang
pangulo ng kanilang unibersidad.  Sa kabila nito, tinapos pa rin ang palabas at walang nangyaring
karahasan.

vs.

# Isang dula na may mga tauhang bakla na naghahalikan (pero nakadamit, and take note, straight ang mga aktor na maghahalikan), na may mga salitang kinakantot, nilabasan, inuupuan sa script; papatayin ang
dalawa sa tatlong tauhan ng maikling dula (with matching dugo effect). Kasama ito sa produksiyong "Tarong"(na kahit pagtawid ang kahulugan, parang galing pa rin sya sa salitang Talong, na karaniwang ipinakakahulugan sa titi) na ipapapanood sa mga 1st year at 2nd year.

... baka sabihin naman nila, ang corny corny natin.

P.S.
But I'm proud of Entablado. Such wonderful show yesterday!More power. more hot boys to you!
Guys watch this prod! (biglang nag-advertise!?)

*blognote* ni-kiss ako ni giohmygioh sa lips kagabi. hehe! kilig!

Sunday, March 28, 2004 @ 12:38:26 AM

Love is tragic for those who seek love and try to hold onto the feeling. It fails those who anticipate and shatters those who ignore.

Love is an inevitable consequence of life, and vice-versa.

Love per se is a positive emotion. The cause of bitterness and/or frustration is brought by a person's actions and reactions, not by love.

Love is independent of consciousness, but co-exists w/ it. That is why logic cannot suppress it.

Love can be defined, to some extent, but cannot be confined in one definition. A question of what, where, when, why, or who is pathetic. It is only a question of how. Dynamism changes its definition as you and time progress through existence.

Love is not ideal; it is real.
----

It was sophomore year.  I wasn't even taking philo at the time.

Sometimes, you just don't know who you are 4 years ago.  
or maybe, you choose to forget because, as Melanie M. would say:
 
it's true good to be true.


Ikaw, nasan ka four/five years ago? 

Yet again, I failed to update my bloggie this weekend. And in a desperate attempt to write something, here's something I recently heard from the radio:

-----

Tatsulok By: Bamboo

Totoy bilisan mo, bilisan mo ang takbo
Ilagan ang mga bombang nakatutok sa ulo mo
Totoy tumalon ka, dumapa kung kailangan
At baka tamaan pa ng mga balang ligaw

Totoy makinig ka, wag kang magpa-gabi
Baka mapagkamalan ka't humandusay dyan sa tabi
Totoy alam mo ba kung ano ang puno't dulo
Ng di matapos-tapos na kaguluhang ito

Hindi pula't dilaw tunay na magkalaban
Ang kulay at tatak ay di syang dahilan
Hangga't marami ang lugmok sa kahirapan
At ang hustisya ay para lang sa mayaman

Habang may tatsulok at sila ang nasa tuktok
Di matatapos itong gulo

Iligtas ang hininga ng kay raming mga tao
At ang dating munting bukid, ngayo'y sementeryo
Totoy kumilos ka, baliktarin ang tatsulok
Tulad ng dukha, nailagay mo sa tuktok

Hindi pula't dilaw tunay na magkalaban
Ang kulay at tatak ay di syang dahilan
Hangga't marami ang lugmok sa kahirapan
At ang hustisya ay para lang sa mayaman
Habang may tatsulok at sila ang nasa tuktok
Di matatapos itong gulo

Iligtas ang hininga ng kay raming mga tao
At ang dating munting bukid, ngayo'y sementeryo
Totoy kumilos ka, baliktarin ang tatsulok
Tulad ng dukha, nailagay mo sa tuktok

Di matatapos itong gulo
--------

I was really surprised when I heard this over the air. I mean, it's not everyday that we see or hear leftist ideas so concretely put in media. I'm not against it, but I'm wondering, did anyone notice? Those who were "involved" did (as I leaned from googling).. and the song is actually a reinterpretation of the original. Bamboo kept the rhythm and melody intact, and was nicely arranged to fit his genre of music.

Anyway, is this why Bamboo's songs are so nationalistic? I mean I thought his song NoyPi (Rivermaya) was just for the SEA Games. hmm.. It's good to have an artist so popular that has his art rooted to an ideology.

Most importantly, I do hope that people do try to understand where the song is coming from, or at least listen to the lyrics, so we could do the song justice.

(shhh... i uploaded the song in my multiply)

I was minding my usual IRC routine when I had an encounter with this someone, who's supposedly my ex's current bf. When asked for his pic, this someone sent me the ex's pic and claimed it as his own. So, instinctively, I bitched him off for being such a poseur. But no, this someone had to bitch back, telling me to check my spelling before starting an argument. Of course, the rest is that someone's sore-loser history. Haay, these are the times when you're most thankful that you came from a good school.

Anyway, what's with roaches?! They used to be included in my less-hated creepy crawlers list, until they all started flying towards me. Seriously?!?! Here are the instances:

1. walking along the sidewalks of Katipunan avenue, sometime when there was an earthquake. (uhm, why me? people in the buildings were outside as well?!!)
2. while driving a scooter in our subdivision. I had my cousin as a backride. (again, why me? I swear I could have seen it if it approached us head on, but no..!)
3. Kopiroti. Well, this one was real close. I saw it before it landed on me.
4-(1gazillion) inside the house. The most recent was a while ago, I was happy chitchatting with curlo when it flew right from behind.

I know, right?!?!?! why me?? GOD, WHYY MEEE??!

am I just paranoid or is this a humankind singularity? Please, please, tell me you guys have experienced this more frequently than I have?? hahaha..

----

But life is still good, thanks to ate Vi who lights up our politics, as well as our humour: "No comment. Alam mo naman, damaged you do, damaged you don't."

Sheet, I admit, tinalo niya ang edgie-isms ko. Speaking of witch (sic), naiwan ko ba ang CD ko ng edgie-isms na gift sakin for my birthday doon sa place ng ex ko? my gawd. waahh... :((

----

Poi is in Zambales at the Pundaquit music festival with the Bolipata clan. I'm so happy Mrs. Rica Bolipata-Santos still remembers me. She was my EN12 teacher. waaay coool!? i'm flattened. chos.

Alam ninyo na ba ang mga ito??


* Hindi na developing country ang Pilipinas. Kasama na tayo sa Newly Industrialized Countries (NIC)

* Shortlisted din ang Pilipinas sa pag-aaral na ginawa ng isang investment bank, na nagsasabing kasama tayo sa nakikinitang magkakaroon ng malaking paglagong pang-ekonomiya. Binansagan ang lupon ng mga bansang ito bilang Next Eleven

----------

Who said reading online encyclopedias isn't fun? lol.

As I took Physics in the university, I began dreaming of bridging the gap between science and mysticism. I don't know if it's the geek in me, or because I'm just weird (I don't think it's "normal" to aspire things at this level, at least in my immediate circle), but it's something that I think highly of, to the point that sometimes it inspires me when I feel really pathetic. Maybe it's because some of us have this illusion of greatness. Like one time in QR, Allan and I were talking, and I told him, I have this feeling that I'll be known for something-I-don't-know in the future. He relates, with his sort of messianic complex, something which faded as years went by. I think it's something normal for people, to have these illusions. It's like this Freudian theory I remember about sexuality, that in our childhood, we look up to our parent imagos like they are perfect, but the point is, we should eventually grow out of it in our later years or else we'll grow up to be psychotic or something.


my point: "reality has to kick in at some point in time and space, or else you'll get screwed up in the head."

"And I am tellin' you, I'm not going..."
.
.
.
.
"and you, and you, and you.. you're gonna love me.."




Romantic ba or stubborn?

I had this weird-to-the-highest-maximum-level dream the other day: Poi and I is chitty chatting with a friend in an old house--heavy, wooden furnitures, earthen pots, chandelier, with two ascats(askal cats)--when an old woman shows up. Apparently, she's a relative of the friend, and happens to know Poi already. So as a sweet gesture, i naturally made mano to lowlah. As I did, she holds both my hands and stares at me dead straight in the eye. A seer of sorts, she starts by flattering me a bit with things I know already (i.e. mabait daw ako tao (hahah..); May ginintuang puso (ok.. this one she didn't really say); Medyo may kayabangan daw dahil matalino at may dalawang kursong natapos). For the juicy part of the dream, she becomes serious (not that she wasn't, but this was shown in her eyes), and sings, or chants, these lines:

Yesternight was Chloe's birthday celebration. I was actually hesitant to go, because going meant commuting from Laguna, and I wasn't really in the mood to make syala with the people she's invited (and with the crowd as well), besides the fact that I don't know any of them (except for poi and chloe, of course). The entire night was great, though, that I would have killed myself of valium if I allowed myself not to go, that is, if I would have known, a priori, how a night can be so fun.

We had dinner @ this Thai resto in GB3, People's Palace. The food was great; it indulged my taste buds like nothing I've experienced in a foreign cuisine. The company failed my expectations, too. I thought it would be uber boring for me, being the youngest in the crowd: Jacques (Jewelmer's proprietor) and his gay son, Ludo; Jacques' australian friend, Bruno; my german-speaking boyfriend, poi; Jacques' girlfriend and birthday girl, Chloe, and her bestfiend, the Kate Torralba (designer of the Kris Aquino) with another girl friend, and I, representative of the Indigenous People of San Pedro, Laguna. haha.. I enjoyed Jacques' humour, and Kate was such a chitty chatter (i wonder where she got that? hello, kris?), we were laughing our asses off. And of course, I won't forget to mention, Jacques flooded the table with wine, true to his french nature. Drinking 4 different wines in one meal almost knocked me off. sheesh..

And then, Government. Ludo suggested we go there to meet Amanda. She met her the night before at G as well, and they also met each other yesterafternoon, when she flashed her tits to show him, and then rendez-vous again at G yesternight. It was all good because Ludo, on his first night, was able to hook up to the right people enough to put us in the VIP list. So we had to tag along with him, even if we're not dressed for such socializing (poi was even in slippers, haha). Anyway, Amanda's transgendered, which totally shocked Ludo when she first met her, because he really looked like a she. True enough, ang ganda ng lowlah mo! We met her friends, D and john, and drew (who's from admu as well). We didn't stay for long, we got out not long after Mr.Government beauty pageant started, because Chloe was tired, and I was drunk, thanks to G's vodka tonic. But we enjoyed our stay, and our chit chats with amanda. I hope she'll be watching Commonwealth of Virginia! haha.. Anyway, what I remember was that I asked Ludo why don't he surf around for boys (he's white, and french (haha), so he's gonna be an eye candy), and he said he didn't wanna get tempted, that he's looking for love, not a ons. In fairness! haha.. what I love about that guy is that he's really open with his emotions. He was talking about his life as if we're already really friends for life.

Anyway, the experience was kinda special because it's my first time in G, and poi's first ever gay bar experience (and Chloe, too). I stopped going out and started growing old (circa when club epitome opened), and yesternight gave me a hint of nostalgia.

We slept at Chloe's, because she slept at Jacques', and her condo
was free. I passed out dead, and cursed drinking when I woke up because of hangover.
When I was about to go home and put on the shirt I was wearing yesternight (I didn't bring a change of wardrobe),
I saw---

G for Gay. haha

From left to right:
1. my apartment
2. Faura Hall
3. Colayco Hall (yes, Colayco, not MVP. I grew up calling it Colayco)
4. Sandaang panaginip. What if google was able to take a picture of the set?

I've been going to and from Makati for exams and job interviews. Actually, it's only been twice, but I'm already hating it.

Maybe it's the summer heat, or the attire, I'm really not sure. How I pity power dressers while walking along edsa waiting for a cab, or worse, an ordinary-fare bus. It's not as if I don't commute to wherever-of-makati, but I swore I won't wear long sleeves and tie just for first impressions, and that goes with everyday routine work, if I already got one. God, I won't wear more than one millimeter of fabric if I can help it. Sheesh.. this is seasonal injustice to tropical-country inhabitants.

I've been mentioning that I really don't want a job in the Metropolitan area; I didn't want MRT to be an essential part of my everyday life; I'd prefer home-made, brewed coffee than my warm, non-fat, without whip cream, white mocha with mint syrup. It would be nice to keep a spotless, white hanky throughout the day; I'd give up the comforts of luxury, because with it, congestion becomes so concrete you'd feel it up your neck. And maybe i'm just tired, or practical--with starbucks as your neighbor, cost of living increases threefold.

Of course the best choice, and the most challenging, is to change everything. Tabula rasa. Like a change of country, via student or working visa. Who wouldn't love that? Since this journey phase is unchartered waters, we may as well tell fate to bring it on, dude!

I saw my reflection on the half-tinted bus window, and yes, I did get old. hay life. It couldn't get any better. tsk.

I didn't expect I'd go senti to the point that I am teary-eyed. But it happened, unsuspectingly, while playing cards at QR. I'm not really sure if it was the rhum-coke, or the senior's syndrome finally kicking in, or the people around me.

I'm not going through our conversations; not that it's a secret, but I think words will understate the experience, at least for me. And what I'd like to keep in memory are the emotions; I would like to remember that scene by reliving the feeling--that feeling you get when your nasal is about to burst. It doesn't matter much about the words i think i've said.

Somehow, maybe, i fought back those tears because I don't want to let go. Maybe, I would always want them in me, not a single drop brought by the most recent 5 years of my life. They are all worth keeping, right guys?

...

Thank you, everyone. I wasn't always vocal about what I feel, but give me the opportunity to tell you now: Mahal na mahal ko kayo. Salamat.

Now, more than ever, I feel like a Physics major.  Now that I'm already not one. 

I've been working (cramming, is a better term) on acoustic lasers (SASER) for two straight days without sleep.  I've done 6 or 7 experimental setups, did signal processing on them, and I'm now working on the thermoacoustic model, theories and thermodynamics.  If there's time, I'll be working up on the quantum mechanics model of an ideal saser.

It seems quite interesting, actually, especially for our dear thesis advisers.  They've been all hyped up about the idea of acoustic lasers when they heard about it.  Ironically, they had to put the burden on us--two unsuspecting CE majors.  Incidentally, at that time of thesis proposals, we were kinda lost with what we will work on.  So i guess they just had to give the topic for our indulgence. 

We previously proposed working on our Physics thesis on bessel beams, to setup a wireless laser communication system built up on bessel beams. 

Bessel beams, by the way, is another interesting subject.  Lasers, although they are coherent, the gaussian nature of their beams are subject to diffraction in random media.  Bessel beams can lessen intensity loss due to diffraction.  Moreso, bessel beams can reconstruct after an opaque obstacle placed along its propagation axis.  That's the most interesting part.  Although these light beams cannot go through walls, they can pass through pebbles, snow, rain, dirt, and birdbrains without any difficulty.  This property can very much improve free space optical communications. 

We were really good at defending that bessel beam characterization thesis.  Well, that's because nobody had heard of it prior to our study.  At least in Ateneo.

De javu, it seems, because we're at it, again:  Acoustic Laser(SASER) Characterization.  I guess we'll have a well-accepted defense, because again, we're spearheading the study.  That's a feel-good thing, at least.  But it's not without much effort.

Because we are CE majors, we are forced to work on a thesis which had something to do with computers.  So besides characterization, we had to interface it with a computer, which was a gruesome task.  Not only that, we had to make a nice program for Digital Signal Processing of the audio recordings, which we really did not use for our thesis.  And that's about 20 pages of code, added as an appendix (argh!).

On top of all that, we had to welcome anyone who wants to see the saser: HS students, faculty, friends, the wife of our thesis adviser, and our advisers.  We had to do several versions of the oral presentation to cater to the comprehension capabilities of these people, and different ways of implementing the act.

I'm not ranting.  I'm just stressed and sleep deprived.  I love what I do. pramis.


---

Ok, now I can continue writing Chapter V: data analysis. :D

Happy Holidays to you guys @ elchaylandia!! I didn't realize that I've already made 100 bloggie entries!! to commemorate this event, I will reminisce special firsts here in my blog:  My very first...

:: entry  (4 May 2004, 12:12am) - and thanks to dekay (caprichosa_) for giving the first commentus on my bloggie!
          snippet:  I always believed that I have strong will and passion on how I lead my life. But just this morning, I was bitching how impulsive my life is.

:: lamentation on luvluf (5/9/04 01:20 am): ahaha.. and this is about Arianne!! haha..
         snippet:  "ano bang maling ginawa ko to deserve this kind of treatment? Naging masama ba ako sa'yo? Pinakitaan ba kita ng hindi maganda? Hindi ba ako naging totoo sa'yo? Have I been demanding? Hindi naman. The whole time na magkakilala tayo, I only asked you one favor: wag mo akong i-ignore..."

:: expression of patriotism (5/10/04 07:25 pm)
        snippet: Close ang competition na lumalabas sa unofficial results.. tsktsk.. matulad kaya tayo sa Taiwan?? I hope not.  I love my country.

:: after-sex entry  (5/16/04 07:25 am)
       snippet: I had a fuck about an hour ago... actually, twas a quickie fuck, and i have to make a fuss about it. It wasn't bad; it's even one of the few fucks i've enjoyed. I guess sanity sinks in again.   

:: bitter-bitteran entry (5/23/04 05:13 am) - mygawd!! this is so fu@!~#ing hilarious.. and this is about Arianne, too! hahahaha
       snippet: San ka ba naman makakakita ng offer na pagmamahal na walang kapalit, ng pag-aaruga na walang sukli, tapos bibirahan ng balimbing na goodbye? tangina, eh martyr na nga ako

:: pasaring-sa-isang-tao entry ( 6/26/04 11:46 pm) - hindi ko na matandaan ang isyu, pero haha.. it's worth a laugh